


How to Live a Lie

by limeinthecoconut



Category: South Park
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Gen, M/M, POV Kyle Broflovski, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-01 00:07:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11474490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limeinthecoconut/pseuds/limeinthecoconut
Summary: The entire town of South Park believes that Kyle Broflovski was the school troll all along. Kyle pretends that it's true to protect his dad. Only Eric Cartman knows what Kyle is doing to keep his family together.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at writing South Park fic. Since all the SP stories I've seen are future fics I'm not sure what kind of readership this will get, but I always keep my own fics close to the canon timeline. This is set only a week after S20. The kids are still ten and I'm just sowing the seeds of a possible future Kyle/Cartman relationship.

“Why d’you do it, dude?” asked Stan. “At least tell me why.”

Stan had found Kyle alone in the boy’s bathroom and latched the door. This was the first time the two of them had spoken in over a week. Which for Kyle had felt like an eternity.

“I thought you weren’t talking to me, Stan,” Kyle said softly.

“Dude, you know how it is. We promised the girls we’d give you the silent treatment. It was the main condition of our truce. Wendy says that we need to show that we don’t condone your misogynistic hate-speak. So none of us guys can be friends with you right now.”

“Yet Wendy always let you to be friends with Cartman,” Kyle pointed out.

“That’s different!” Stan snapped. “Everyone expects this offensive bullcrap from Cartman. That’s why we all thought he was the troll in the first place. None of us ever suspected that it would turn out to be _you_. The girls say that they always thought of you as the nice guy of our group. The boy who stood up for what’s right. We all trusted you!”

Kyle sighed. All he was hearing from Stan was his use of the past tense.

“You can’t always trust the nice ones, Stan.”

This was what Kyle had learned after ten years of thinking of his dad as his _nice_ parent.

Kyle looked away and leaned his head against the bathroom mirror. This was the week when things were supposed to get back to normal. But it hadn’t worked out. Not for him at least. His mom had kept her promise to ban him from using his home computer. Kyle didn’t exist yet on the new internet. And that had led to some needling questions from his friends. They’d wanted to know what he was being punished for. Then they had all gone away and thought about how Kyle had been Face Timing them for trolling tips on the day that the old internet went down. And that’s when the rumor had started spreading through the school...

The rumor that Kyle Broflovski had been Skankhunt42 all along.

Kyle hadn’t denied it. Pretending to be the troll was less trouble for him than revealing the truth. So he’d kept his mouth shut and he’d watched his friends vanish from his side. But at least now there was peace between the boys and the girls at the school. They didn’t hate each other anymore. Everyone was too busy hating him instead.

“Kyle, after all the trouble you caused, don’t I at least deserve an explanation?” asked Stan.

He shrugged. “I just…thought it’d be funny.”

This was the only explanation Kyle himself had gotten out of his dad. He didn’t know what else to say.

“Funny?!” Stan spluttered. “ _Dude_. Wendy broke up with me because of you! The girls handed out all those notes to us in protest. Maybe you didn’t care about that because, well…you don’t have a girlfriend. But didn’t you ever think about the rest of us?”

“I guess I’m just a sick little monster, Stan,” said Kyle. "I guess I'm just fucked up inside." He finished washing his hands and moved towards the door. “I have to go now. I’ve got to get to my counseling session.”

Kyle stepped around his former best friend and unlocked the door.

“Hey Kyle,” said Stan, halting him in his tracks. “If the reason is that you’re sick…that you've got mental problems or something…maybe Wendy will let us be friends again once you’re better. You go get yourself some help, pal.”

Kyle glanced back to see Stan’s shaky hopeful smile.

“Yeah.” He gritted his teeth. “Thanks for the support.”

Kyle slammed the bathroom door behind him. He kept his head down as he walked the hallway. There were spitballs and sneers flying in his general direction from all sides. He kept on walking, not looking up once, until he reached Mr Mackey’s office.

“Good afternoon, son,” said Mr Mackey, as Kyle entered and slumped wearily in the chair before the school counselors desk. “How have you been since last Friday?”

Kyle sighed at the question. He hadn’t left his bedroom once during the entire weekend. His mom had locked him in, just like he’d locked her in the pantry. In the last two days, she’d only opened Kyle’s door to push through plates of plain Kosher food at meal times and to change the bucket that she’d left Kyle to go potty in. His mom wasn’t talking to him either. She wouldn’t talk to him. She wouldn’t even look at him. Oh yeah, his mom knew the terrible truth now.

Or at least…she _thought_ she knew the truth. She’d had the chance to use TrollTrace to find out that Ike’s old internet history was clean. But she also knew that Skankhunt’s activities had come from their household computers. So in his mom’s mind, there could be no other explanation. The troll had to be Kyle. It was Kyle who had posted all that online abuse to the female students and parents at the school. It was Kyle who’d corrupted his little brother so badly he would only speak in a stream of foul language now.

Kyle’s mom had never suspected the troll might be her husband. Her husband who’d been dragged away to Denmark on “government business” for Godsake. But Kyle was fine with her not suspecting. He’d made his peace with living a lie if it meant he could keep his family together. That’s all that mattered to him now.

“My mom’s never going to forgive me,” Kyle confided in Mr Mackey.

“Well now Kyle you’ve got to understand that all of this cyber bullying has some pretty serious consequences, M’kay. I mean, what about that cancer survivor who committed suicide because of those naughty mean things you said online. How does that make you feel?”

Kyle squirmed. “It makes me feel horrible. I can’t sleep at night thinking about it.” This much was true, even if it was his dad who’d made that Danish lady kill herself. His own _dad_. “I’m a bastard, Mr Mackey. How could I do that to an innocent person who'd never done anything bad to me? I hate myself so much.”

“Well Kyle what do you think you can do to make amends?”

“I don’t know.” He winced. “Maybe I should just...kill myself too.”

“Now now Kyle, taking your own life is never the answer,” said Mr Mackey, waggling a finger. “You’ve got to realize that you’re just a screwed up little kid, M’kay? But you’ve still got your whole life ahead of you. There’s plenty of time for you to learn your lesson.”

He nodded. “I try to learn something every day, Mr Mackey.”

“Well, that’s good, Kyle,” said Mr Mackey. “And at least you’re being honest now about your sick twisted behavior on the internet. At least you’re no longer living a lie. Right Kyle. Here’s an idea. How about we put you back on a heavy regiment of Prozac, M’kay?”

He nodded again. “Yes please, Mr Mackey.”

Kyle left his counseling session about an hour later holding his prescription. His dad was waiting for him in the car on the street outside the school.

“Hey champ!” his dad greeted him. “How was therapy today?”

“ _Don’t_ …” Kyle snapped, “…talk to me.”

“Whatever you say, kiddo,” his dad replied with a nervous grin.

Kyle slammed the passenger door as his dad started up the car. With a trembling hand, his dad reached for the radio, switching it to some hard rock station. Kyle reached out and turned the music off, letting nothing but cold judgemental silence hang between them. After being shunned all day at school, Kyle wanted his chance to shun someone else for a change. Someone who actually deserved it.

But once they were both out of the car and inside their house, his dad put on his stern parent act and he ordered Kyle up to his room. His mom was already standing there at the foot of the stairs, her arms crossed over her chest, scowling at him with all her might. Ike just sat squirming on the couch. He gave Kyle a sympathetic look as he made his walk of shame across their living room. His little brother had been banned from talking to him too, but those looks of silent support from Ike still meant a lot to Kyle. After all, it was almost Ike who had been framed for his dad's trolling. At least Kyle had spared his brother from this long sentence of house arrest. He was being a martyr for someone besides his dad.

Stepping inside his bedroom, Kyle heard a key turn in the lock behind him. He sat down on his bed, staring at the walls. He had nothing to do. His parents had taken away his computer, his X-box, his iPad, his phone and his legos. They’d even taken his books. His room was so bare now that it looked like the cell of a Trappist monk. All Kyle was allowed to have in here was his school bag. But he’d finished all his homework earlier that day, finished it in the library during lunch and recess when he hadn’t been hanging out with his friends.

After a few hours, Kyle’s mom brought a bowl of Motzah balls to his door.

“This is for your own good, Boobalah,” she told him stiffly.

It was a relief for Kyle just to hear her speak to him. “Mom, what am I supposed to do in here?”

“Pray Kyle. Think about what you did online and _pray_.”

She locked the door again and Kyle returned to his bed. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to God either. After finishing his dumpling soup, Kyle took out his notebook and made about twenty attempts to write a letter to Stan that would somehow justify his actions as a sexist cyberbully in such a way that would allow Stan and the rest of the school to forgive him. But every time he finished a letter, he read it back and ended up screwing it into a ball and hurling it into the bin. It was useless. Nothing could excuse Skankhunt’s trolling. His _dad’s_ trolling.

Later that night, Kyle heard his parents talking about him through the wall. He heard his dad saying to his mom that maybe they should lightened up a little. Saying that Kyle was just a kid and that making fun of stuff was just what kids do. His dad even admitted that he’d been using a bit of potty mouth around Ike so all the naughty language might not be entirely Kyle’s fault. His mom just kept saying over and over that she couldn’t understand where they’d gone wrong. That this was so unlike Kyle. That he’d always been such a good little boy.

Kyle pressed the green flaps of his hat down over his ears. He tossed and turned for hours, hopelessly failing to get to sleep. It was a little after midnight that Kyle felt a sudden draft from his window. He jerked upright, blinking his eyes.

There was a lumpy little silhouette sitting on his sill.

“Hey Kyle,” said Cartman as if this late night intrusion were perfectly normal. Which for Cartman it kinda was. He shone a flashlight around the bare bedroom. “Sucks to be you right now, huh?”

Kyle exhaled. He was surprised it’d taken Cartman this long to come. He was also surprised by how pleased he was to see him. Kyle had been so isolated this last week that he was desperate for any kind of company, even if Cartman had only come to laugh and gloat.

“What do you want, fatass?” Kyle asked him.

Cartman shone the light into his eyes, dazzling him.

“I was hoping we could talk, broship,” said Cartman. “Is now a good time?”

Kyle rolled his eyes. “Not here. Come on.”

He threw off his blankets and stood on his mattress to see that Cartman had expertly removed three of the bars that’d been fitted to his window. A rope pulley hung down into the backyard. Cartman really was a master when it came to breaking into Kyle’s house. After climbing down, the two boys stood facing each other on the grass.

“If it’s revenge you want, Cartman,” Kyle began, “…you’ve come too late. My parents have taken all my stuff away so there’s nothing left for you to smash up. And there’s nothing bad that you can say to me that I haven’t heard from everyone else at the school this week. So just… _come on_! Whatever you're going to do just get it over with, God damn you!”

Cartman blinked at him. “Why would I want revenge, Kyle?”

“Because _dumbass_ , I convinced the other guys that you were the school troll. And it turns out that the troll was me all along! _Haa_! I guess that I trolled you most of all!”

“Kyle...you seriously expect me to believe that bullcrap?”

He faltered. “Well, it’s true I…”

“Emoji analysis, remember Kyle? Heidi figured out the troll was an adult. One of the parents. And even if it wasn’t for the Emojis…I _know_ you, Kyle. I know that you don’t get your kicks by anonymously being a dick to people on the internet. You get your kicks by _publicly_ being a self-righteous pussy. By making your little gay speeches, shoving your morals down people’s throats and showing off for God so that you can store up lots of Jew gold in heaven.”

“Shut up! You know _nothing_ , Cartman!”

“Oh yeah? I know that you’re lying because the real troll is your mom.”

Kyle shook his head. “Get out of my yard.”

“I always said your mom was the biggest bitch in town, Kyle. _Nay_ , the biggest bitch in all the world. I mean, it’s only been two years since she almost started World War Three over some bad language in a cartoon. I guess she’s just been biding her time and waiting for another chance to destroy American civilization once and for all.”

“Damn it, don’t call my mom a bitch, Cartman!” Kyle fumed.

“Oh-ho! Have you seen what your bitch mom’s been calling other people on the internet? I'm telling you, she’s the most stupendous bitch ever spawned on God’s green earth, Kyle.”

“My mom's a good person!” he protested. “Okay, so she has a bad temper and she overreacts, but she...she tries to do what’s right.”

“JESUS, Kyle! Your mega-bitch mom is making you take the blame for all her bitch-ass cyberbullying and you’re standing here defending her like some whipped pussy-ass little bi...”

“It was my DAD!” Kyle blurted out.

He quickly slapped a hand over his mouth, worried that he might have yelled that last part way too loud. Loud enough to wake his parents. Kyle panted a moment, staring up at the darkened windows of his house. No lights went on. It looked like he hadn’t been heard by anyone but Cartman.

 _Oh God_ , he thought. _I just told fucking Cartman._

“Damn Kyle. So both your parents are total assholes, huh?”

“Cartman please, you can’t tell any...”

“Well, why not? Is your sucky life somehow enjoyable to you?”

Kyle seized Cartman by the collar. “Do you realize how much more my life will suck if the truth ever got out?! My mom and dad will get a divorce! Our family will be torn apart! And that’s not even the worst that could happen. You've not seen my mom when she gets really angry. She could actually _murder_ my dad over this. Which would leave me with one parent dead and the other in prison. And then my little brother would be taken back to his Canadian parents and I’d been sent into foster care with nobody to even pay for my therapy!”

“Okay! Okay! Cool it, bro,” said Cartman, holding up his gloved hands. “Just breathe before your Jersey blood boils over.” Kyle let his hands fall by his sides and Cartman slung an arm around his shoulder, leading him a little further from the house. "So I can see that you’re in a sticky situation. I may have a way to help you, Kyle. But first...I need you to help me.”

Kyle tensed, eying him warily. “If this has anything to do with sucking your farts then I’ll kill you right where you stand.”

“It’s nothing like that, Kyle,” said Cartman, his expression actually serious. “I think you’ll find that I’ve really changed and matured a lot in the last month. It's all thanks to Heidi. And yet it’s Heidi that I need your help with now. I...I think we need to break up.”

Kyle blinked. “You want to break up with Heidi? Why?”

He sighed. “She’s just not funny anymore.”

“Okay…” said Kyle. It’s not like he’d ever really expected this Cartman and Heidi thing to last but he was shocked that Cartman was going to be the first one to bail. He couldn’t imagine why Heidi had stuck it out so long. “So just...break up with her then. Why do you need my help?”

Cartman looked pained. “You see, even though I _want_ to end things with Heidi, I don’t want to hurt her feelings or offend her.” He squirmed, seeming bizarrely sincere in this. “So I thought if I told her that I was into guys and I hadn’t come to terms with my sexuality until now then…”

“Ooooh no!” Kyle cut him off. “No, you are not going to pretend that we’re a couple again, Cartman. Just be honest for once. Tell Heidi that you don’t find her funny anymore. And while you’re at it, admit to Heidi that you’re an asshole. She deserves to know the truth.”

Cartman stepped forward, getting in Kyle’s face.

“Are you seriously making a speech to me about _honesty_ right now? You listen up, Kyle. The truth is that I’m not really _asking_ here. I need your help. Tomorrow, a couple will be having a break up. And if it’s not me and Heidi then it’ll be your mom and dad.”

Kyle narrowed his eyes. _The unbelievable son of a bitch._

“I knew you were still evil all along, Cartman.”

He shrugged. “So are you going to be my boyfriend or not?”

Kyle hung his head and let out a low moan.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Kyle sat fidgeting in the booth, trapped between the wall and Cartman's fat ass.

Cartman had passed Heidi a note earlier during science class asking her to meet him at the burger bar in town for lunch. She was running late. The happy meal that Kyle had been picking at was going cold now. Kyle didn't know why Cartman had insisted on him being here or why they had to be sitting so close to each other.

"Cartman,” Kyle began, breaking the silence. “If you want to tell Heidi that you're gay and you're into me – _fine_. But I don't see why I have to be here to witness it."

" _Because_ I want Heidi to see that I'm leaving her for a love that is mutual and pure. So you’d better be ready to show her that you're totally gay for me too!"

Cartman dipped a French fry into his plastic pot of sweet and sour sauce, then held it up to Kyle's lips. Kyle scowled and swatted his hand away.

"Hey!” Cartman blurted. “If you're not going to act all cute and coupley with me then I’m going to have to tell Heidi you're on your period or something."

"I don't care what you tell, Heidi!” Kyle threw back at him. “The only reason that I'm even here is because you're blackmailing me, _asshole!_ This is just another lie that I'm going along with so I can protect my family. So whatever you say, Cartman, I'll play along. All I’m asking is that you do your own dirty work and let me go back to school."

Cartman sighed. "Kyle, if you were really my boyfriend, then you'd want to support and protect me in this moment."

Kyle raised his eyebrows. "Protect you?"

"Yeah, protect me! When chicks get dumped they always slap the guy in the face. If you're here too, maybe Heidi will slap you instead.”

"What?! Why would Heidi slap me?"

"You know...for being the dirty Jewish slut who stole her man."

Kyle punched his arm. "Let me out of this booth!"

He tried to squeeze his way out of the seat but there really was no squeezing around Cartman. Kyle was still struggling to escape when a bell rang at the door and they both looked up to see Heidi entering the burger bar. She smiled and waved to them.

"Hey Boo!" said Heidi, wandering over to their table. "Oh, hi Kyle! Eric, you didn't say that Kyle would be joining us." Heidi kissed Cartman on the cheek, looked a little confused over their seating arrangements, but then just shrugged and sat down opposite them. Her expression turned serious. "How have you been, Kyle? Me and Eric have been so worried over you."

“You...you’ve been worried?” said Kyle. “Over me?!”

“Well yeah,” said Heidi. “We knew from my Emoji analysis that you couldn’t possibly be responsible for all the trolling. So since you took the blame we knew that you had to be covering for one of your parents.” She tilted her head at him sympathetically. “That’s really rough, Kyle. We want you to know that we’re here for you. We’re still your friends. Me and Eric have been waiting for you in the playground every day after school.”

“I’ve had counseling after school,” said Kyle.

Heidi nodded. “You must be feeling so lonely. But you’re not alone, Kyle. Me and Eric aren’t on the new internet either. We’re social outcasts too! So let’s just all be social outcasts together.”

Her smile widened and she reached for both of their hands across the table. Kyle recoiled before she could touch him. He really wasn’t comfortable with lying to Heidi. He didn’t want to contribute to breaking her heart. She seemed like such a nice girl. How she’d ended up with Cartman was beyond him.

“The three of us together, you say?” said Cartman. He sighed dramatically. “Oh Heidi...if only it were so simple.” He looked down and slowly peeled Heidi’s fingers away from his knuckles. “I’m afraid I have something I must confess to you. Something that I’ve been bottling up inside me for far too long.” Cartman wiped a non-existent tear from his eye. “Heidi…I have to tell you that Kyle here isn’t the only one who’s been living a lie."

Heidi frowned. “What do you mean, Boo?”

Cartman reached across and took hold of Kyle’s hand instead. Heidi looked back and forth between them. Kyle bit his lip and tried not to be physically sick.

“Heidi, you may not be aware of this but…Kyle and I have a history.”

She swallowed. “Yes, I know. Nichole told me about you guys.” She put her head in her hands. “Oh God…I always worried I might be barking up the wrong tree. I kept telling myself that…that maybe Eric was just going through a bi-curious phase when you two were together. But I…I guess not.” Heidi looked up, seeming embarrassed. “You know even while we were dating Eric was always talking about you, Kyle. I mean, _obsessively_ talking about you. I guess that Eric never really got over you, huh...”

Kyle gave Cartman a sideways glance. Cartman just nodded solemnly.

“I tried to move on. I even tried to convince myself that I could have a girlfriend. That I could live a normal life free from social prejudice and homophobia. I thought I could quit him!” He wiped his eyes again, trying to make them look red. “But this last week…seeing Kyle suffering in silence, protecting his family like a god damn saint and nobody even understands! It…it just brought back so many feelings. It reminded me of the bond we share. And I realized my baby needs me right now…don't you, Kyle?”

Kyle narrowed his eyes. “Right Cartman,” he deadpanned. “With everything that I’m dealing with right now, I _really_ need this.”

“You see, Heidi?” said Cartman. “I'm sorry. I have to stand by my man.”

“No, I get it. I understand,” said Heidi, still perfectly calm.

“Sweet. That’s cool. Just so you know…Kyle said it’d be okay for you to slap him if it’ll make you feel better.”

Kyle kicked out under the table and Cartman swallowed a yelp.

“It’s okay,” said Heidi. “I won’t be slapping anyone.”

“You’re taking this really well,” Kyle guiltily observed. He supposed that he should try to keep up the pretense so poor Heidi could leave this burger bar without feeling screwed over. “You know...Eric and me can’t help the way we feel. But we never meant to hurt you.”

“Never meant to cause you any sorrow,” Cartman murmured to the Purple Rain melody. “Never meant to cause you any pain…”

Kyle gritted his teeth. “Please don’t sing.”

“Hey, _guys_. I said it’s okay!” Heidi interrupted. “I don’t feel hurt. To be honest…I feel kind of relieved.”

Cartman's face fell. Her squinted at her. “What?”

“I guess...I've been living a lie too. Oh God!” Heidi blushed. “I didn’t think I was ready to admit this. To myself or to anybody else. But if you two can be brave then maybe I can too.” She took a breath, fanning herself. “Okay…the truth is, for the longest time, I’ve been struggling with forbidden love myself. And sadly my own love can never be returned.”

Kyle frowned. “Your love for who?”

Heidi’s blush deepened. “You guys, I’ve always had the biggest crush on Bebe Stevens.”

“ _What_?!” Cartman blurted, his face reddening too.

“It’s stupid, I know!” Heidi went on. “Bebe is super straight and she's so popular with the boys. I’ll never have a chance with her." She shrugged and smiled. "What do you know, Eric. I guess you and me were always more like...soul-mates. Only you're luckier in love than I am.”

Cartman just stared at her, his breath coming in a wheezy whine.

Kyle bit his lip again, only this time it was to keep himself from laughing.

“Eric, are you okay?” Heidi asked him. “Are you mad at me?”

“He's not mad,” said Kyle. “He just gets emotional over unrequited love stories. Don’t you, babe?”

Cartman screwed his face up. “Kyle, I am so… _seriously_ …”

His voice trailed off. Kyle flashed Heidi a smile, camping it up a little.

“Heidi, we’re right behind you, girlfriend,” Kyle told her.

Heidi smiled back. “Thanks! Hey, maybe it’s time for us all to come out of the closet? I mean, ever since Tweek and Craig became the power couple of the school, this town has become so queer friendly. Hey, maybe the five of us could start an LGBT youth support group or something?”

“Actually Heidi,” said Cartman. “We only know that it’s okay for _guys_ to come out in our school. You know how it is. Girls still can’t be president in these harsh times. Maybe girls can’t be gay yet either? Personally...I’d say you’re better off staying in the closet. Till you're like thirty or something.”

“Cartman!” Kyle snapped, ready to object.

“Kyle, we’re not ready to admit the truth about our relationship either and you know it! Seriously...how would our parents react, huh? Isn’t your family life screwed up enough at the moment as it is? Do you really want to make things _worse_ right now _?”_

There was a quiet threat in Cartman’s voice, so Kyle decided not to push it.

“Heidi,” said Cartman, turning back to her. “Can you please promise you'll keep this thing between Kyle and me a secret? I think only you and Nichole know about our history as gay lovers...”

She winced. “Actually Eric...I think most of the girls know. And Token.”

“And the entire audience of that Clippers Vs Nuggets game,” Kyle reminded him.

"Oh and I think anyone who attended your mutual AIDS benefit will have made assumptions too," added Heidi.

“Right,” said Cartman. “ _Right_. But apart from all those people nobody knows about us. And you’re the only one who knows we’re back together.”

“I know, I know! Don’t worry, boys, your secret’s safe with me. You two come out of the closet whenever you’re ready!” She smiled and clapped her hands together. “You really do look cute together. I’m so happy for you, Eric. Here, let me buy you lunch!”

“No Heidi, you shouldn’t…” Kyle began.

“I insist! Besides...it’s time I left you lovebirds alone.”

Kyle and Cartman blinked in surprise as she skipped over to the counter to pay for their happy meals. Then Heidi turned back to them and made a little heart-shape with her fingers before walking out of the burger bar. Kyle sat back in the booth, taking a slurp on his raspberry slushy.

“Well Cartman,” he said after a pause. “Looks like your first serious girlfriend was a lesbian all along.”

Cartman’s fist smashed down hard on the table-top.

“She’s not a lesbian, _god damn it_!”

“She is, dude,” Kyle enthused. “She just said so.”

“No, she…she’s just confused.”

“Confused, right.” Kyle’s smile lengthened. “Maybe she was attracted to your man boobs.”

“Kyle, shut your filthy Jew mouth! Or I swear I’ll…”

“You’ll what, fat ass?” said Kyle. “You’ll break up with me?! Because I’m ready to put an end to this ridiculous lie whenever you are.” He shook his head. “I don’t get you, dude. You got what you wanted. You broke up with Heidi and there are no bad feelings. But now your ungrateful ass is sulking because you wanted Heidi to be upset. Because you wanted her to be heartbroken over you.”

“Kyle, if anyone’s being ungrateful…it’s _you_.”

“What? How do you figure that?”

“Because I said that I would help you. And I have.”

“How is _any_ of this helping me out?”

“Because now Heidi is going to go and spill it to the girls that you’re a scared little gay boy. Then the girls will think all your trolling was just you struggling to come to terms with your sexuality. And if they think that you're a tormented closeted little homo – they’ll forgive you. They’ll accept you. They’ll have to. Otherwise they’ll be the intolerant assholes.”

Kyle opened his mouth to object. Then he realized that Cartman might actually be right. The girls had never been friendlier to him than when they thought he was gay. They’d all been inviting him on their shopping trips, asking him if he wanted to talk about his feelings and offering to be his faghags. Maybe pretending to be gay was his best option for regaining social acceptance at the school. If the girls forgave him, then they’d let him be friends with Stan, Kenny and the other guys again. And eventually, maybe this stupid troll thing would be forgotten.

“This…this could actually work, Cartman,” Kyle admitted.

“Yeah, of course it’ll work. So do you still want to break up with me?”

Kyle fell silent, closing his eyes. He shook his head.

Cartman took Kyle’s hand, squeezing it possessively. “That’s what I thought, bitch.”

He pulled Kyle to his feet and led them back to school. 


	3. Chapter 3

Kyle was kneeling in a stall of the boys bathroom, using the toilet seat as a temporary desk to do his homework on. This toilet stall was the only place in the school where Kyle had been able to get any peace. But it didn’t last for long. He was only a few paragraphs into his history report when there came a knock on the door.

“Occupied!” Kyle called to whoever was outside.

“It’s me, broship. Let me in!”

Kyle groaned, put down his pen and unlocked the door.

“I’m busy,” he complained. “What do you want?”

Cartman blinked at Kyle’s zipped up flies, then glanced to the books piled on the toilet seat.

“Dude…” he said, sounding appalled. “What the fuck? You’ve been in here for like twenty minutes and you’re not even pooping?!”

“This is the only place I can do my homework without being harassed.”

Cartman just stared at the toilet bowl, shaking his head.

“It’s just…such a senseless waste,” he murmured.

“Did you hear what I said?” He rolled his eyes. “Never mind.”

He picked up his school books and slipped around Cartman, heading for the exit.

“Hey, wait up...Kyle, what are those marks on your neck?”

Kyle halted, raising a gloved hand to rub the welts on his skin. They still stung.

“When I was working in the library earlier," said Kyle. "There was this group of girls who were shooting paper darts at me.” He turned up his collar to hide where their tiny weapons had struck him. “So much for your plan to trick the girls into forgiving me, Cartman. They all still hate my guts.”

Cartman shook his head, baffled that one of his schemes could be failing. “I...I just don’t get it. News of our sweet gay love doesn’t seem to have reached the grapevine yet.”

“That’s because you swore Heidi to secrecy, you idiot! And it so happens that she’s a nice person. So guess what? She actually hasn’t told anyone about us!”

“But that’s impossible. When girls hear a piece of hot gossip they have to spread it all over school. They can’t help themselves. It’s like a hormonal thing with them.”

“No it isn’t!” Kyle tutted. “So much for your newfound feminism, fatass.”

“Well excuse me if my first girlfriend turned out to be a lesbian and now I have trust issues. But Kyle, even if Heidi has failed to act as our leak…it doesn’t mean my plan was bad. My plan is still the perfect solution to your problems. This is a strict PC school. They can’t allow a psychologically screwed up gay kid to get even slightly victimized. We…we’re just going to have to out ourselves.”

But Kyle was already shaking his head and heading for the door.

“Forget it, will you? I don’t need any more lies in my life.”

He stepped out into the hallway but Cartman was still close at his heels.

“KAHL!” he squawked. “Goddamn it, this is a good plan! Don’t walk away from me when I’m blackmailing you…”

“Shuuush!” said Kyle, wheeling around. “Can you please _not_ cause a big drama right now? I don’t need this. And you’ve already got what you wanted out of this sham relationship, Cartman. You and Heidi got your clean break. What do you even care what happens to me?”

“What do I _care_? Kyle, you’re my friend. I am not going to stand by and watch this entire school shame you over something you didn’t even do.”

He folded his arms, haughtily. “You’re so full of shit, Cartman! Nobody at this school ever rips on me worse than _you_.”

“But when I rip on you, Kyle, you always fight back,” Cartman pointed out, his voice tight and resentful. “Do you know how fucking depressing it is to see you stop fighting? You never used to back down from _anything_.”

Kyle fell silent. He had nothing to say to that. He found it fucking depressing too.

Suddenly he was aware of the chatter dying down in the hall and many eyes turning their way.

“This is our moment, Kyle,” Cartman whispered, low enough so only Kyle could hear. “We’ve got their attention. You should kiss me.”

“What?!” he spluttered. “No way, dude.”

Cartman frowned at him. “Kyle, you will suck my farts in public, but you won’t kiss me? Listen, I’m not into guys either. This will be totally gross for me too, alright? But I’m standing here prepared to help a friend. Why won’t you let me help you?”

Kyle stared at Cartman, struggling to decide if he was serious.

Before he could come to a conclusion, an announcement blared over the loudspeaker.

 _“Attention all students!”_ said the voice of PC Principal. _“I need you to stop whatever you’re doing right now and precede immediately to the school gym. We…we have a visitor who’s called for a special assembly. So get butts over here, fast!”_

Kyle and Cartman exchanged frowns, wondering who this visitor was who’d clearly put the Principal on edge. Then they were both caught up in the flow of students and teachers rushing for the gym. Kyle was soon separated from Cartman in the throng so once he arrived he found himself a lonely seat at the far end of the bleachers. He kept his head down until he was sitting, then he raised his eyes to see a large crowd of parents sat on the benches opposite them. Kyle’s own parents were here at the school. And before he could begin to wonder why, an even larger crowd of security guards descended on the gym, forming a tight perimeter between the audience and the floor. Once the guards were assembled, their old teacher Mr Garrison, now the President Elect, entered and was led towards the mic and lectern prepared for him in the center of the gym.

“Aw man! What’s he doing back here?” Kyle heard Stan saying a couple of rows back from him. “Isn’t he supposed to be running the country now?”

“Well, I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me, you little pissants!” the President began his address to his former students. “As you all know I’ve more important places to be right now. So sit down, shut the hell up and I’ll get this over with.” He smoothed a hand over the stupid blonde wig that Kyle had seen him wearing on Face Time, then he continued. “In the last week it has reached by presidential ears from an anonymous source that the identity of the school message board troll, known as Skankhunt42, has been revealed.” President Garrison squinted into the crowd. “Where are you, Kyle? Get your ass out here.”

Kyle felt his face flushing as all heads turned towards him. He rose nervously to his feet and then made his way down to the gym floor before the security guards could haul him out by force. The President ushered Kyle to stand by his side and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Now according to my anonymous tip off, this little scamp has been punished and shunned ever since his trolling became public knowledge. But what all you redneck idiots apparently don’t know is that this child led a cyber-attack on the Troll Trace website, a strike that overloaded its mainframe and saved all of your internet histories from being exposed. Okay, okay…so Kyle might have started out his trolling career as an outspoken little bigot. But that doesn’t mean that he can’t rise to greatness. So I've come here to see that you all start showing Kyle – or rather Skankhunt - the respect he deserves.”

Kyle stood squirming and wringing his hands. He didn’t know where to look. His eyes settled on one face in the crowd. The face of his father. His dad was smiling wide and giving Kyle a big thumbs up. And then Kyle realized who the President’s _‘anonymous source’_ must have been. Clearly this was his dad’s idea of making things right.

“Kyle might well be a malicious little bastard online. But he's also a national hero who aided the US government in a time of crisis. In honor of this service, I’m creating a new law – _Skank’s law_. From this day forth, those under the protection of Skank’s law will have the privilege of total free speech. By order of the President, this child can say whatever foul offensive thing he wants to whoever he wants without fear of reprisals from teachers, parents or peers.”

The gym crowd remained silent. Wendy raised her hand.

“Yes Wendy?” said President Garrison, slipping back into teacher mode.

“So...does this new law only apply to Kyle?” she asked.

He rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “Yes of course Skank’s law is only for Kyle. What have the rest of you lazy-ass hicks ever done for your country? _Jeez_.” The President clapped Kyle between the shoulders again. “This brave young troll here has earned his place in the history books. Come on everybody. Let’s hear it for Skankhunt!”

“That’s my boy!” a voice yelled from the crowd.

Kyle looked up to see his dad on his feet, leading the applause. The rest of the parents and students were slower to take up the clap, likely still remembering all those hurtful tweets, the photoshopped pictures and the dicks in their mothers mouths. If it wasn’t for the looming security guards all around them, Kyle knew they wouldn’t be clapping him at all. They all still hated Skankhunt42. And Kyle still hated him too. Staring at his father's stupid smiling face, Kyle felt a rage inside him that’d been trapped down his belly for weeks. His dad was acting as if he’d made everything better. Like he truly believed he'd done something heroic and was happy to accept this honor vicariously through his son.

And with that realization something snapped inside of Kyle. His fists tightened at his sides and his Jersey blood started to boil. He couldn’t hold his temper any longer.

“STOP!” The cry erupted out of Kyle, silencing the crowd. “I don’t want any of this! This is not who I am! It…it’s bad enough that I let this school bully me into calling Caitlyn Jenner _stunning_ and all the Presidential attention I got out of _that_ total lie. I don’t think I deserve praise for giving into PC peer pressure and _nobody_ deserves praise for cyberbullying. Anonymous trolling is for cowards, not heroes!”

The crowd listened to Kyle, looking perplexed. This was the first time people had listened to him in a long while. He’d really missed being listened to. Tears filled his eyes as he looked again at his parents. At his mom frowning at him in confusion while his dad was looking pale and sweaty, seeming aware that Kyle was close to going nuclear on their entire family.

“I...I’m sorry,” said Kyle, crying now. “I can't live like this. I don’t want to go down in the history books as an internet troll. It’s not me! I’m the guy who always tries to stand up for what’s right. Who speaks out against injustice.” He sniffed, wiping his nose. “And I know I annoy you all with my speeches and my moralizing but…but that’s who I am! I want to go back to being myself. But I can’t now. Because when it came down to a choice between sticking to my morals or protecting a person I love…I chose love.”

Kyle looked up, wanting to ask God if he’d chosen wrong. Only he didn’t expect God would answer him.

Then unexpectedly someone from the crowd answered instead.

“You don’t have to choose, Kyle. You don’t have to choose anymore.”

Kyle blinked and saw Eric Cartman marching out onto the floor.

“Jesus, Eric. What do you want?” asked the President.

“There’s something I've got to say, Mr Garrison…”

“Mr President Elect, Eric,” he corrected.

“Yeah whatever.” He cleared his throat. “What Kyle is trying to tell you all is that he is not the school troll. He never was. This whole time Kyle has been covering up for the real troll who’s been too scared to come forward. But it’s time for you all to know the truth.”

Kyle caught hold of Cartman's wrist. "No...no, please, you can't..."

“I am Skankhunt42!” Cartman declared, throwing off Kyle's grasp and spreading his arms wide.

This latest revelation was followed by yet another stunned silence.

Stan was the first to break it. “That’s bullshit, Cartman. We already proved it wasn’t you.”

“Yes. Yes Stan. I was only too happy to let you believe that. But the truth is even after you guys had your little intervention to cut off my access to social media…I still couldn’t be stopped. That’s when I started breaking into Kyle’s house after dark and using his family computers. It wasn’t long before Kyle caught me in the act. He could’ve exposed me. But he didn’t. Kyle was the only one who had the compassion to see that trolling had become an addiction for me, a sickness. With his love and support, I started on a path towards recovery. Later, of course - we came to realize that a massive cyber-attack was needed to wipe out the internet and save American civilization. So together we used my Skankhunt account one last time, for the greater good. One last epic troll for our country.”

Cartman paused for breath and to allow a moment for his version of events to be grasped by the audience. Then Cartman turned to Kyle, one hand outstretched.

“But that’s all over now, babe. I’m a changed man. No more trolling and no more secrets. I only hope you can forgive me for taking so long to come clean.”

Kyle stared at Cartman, tears still slipping down his cheeks. He realized that he'd been waiting for this. Kyle had been waiting for someone to apologize for the trolling, to promise that there would _be_ no more trolling and most of all to take away Kyle’s burden of being falsely branded as the school troll. Kyle had been waiting for all these things from his dad. And they hadn’t come. But now he had got them at last...from Eric Cartman of all people.

More than that, Cartman had stopped Kyle from blurting out the terrible truth. Kyle had lost his temper and come close to destroying his own family. Cartman might have just saved his _life_.

“Cartman, I…” Kyle began.

But his voice trailed off. He had no words, no more speeches left in him. Not knowing what else to do, he went with the plan. He impulsively took hold of Cartman’s hand. He pulled him close and then kissed him hard on the mouth.

“Oh jeez,” said President Garrison. “Get a room, you two.”

The kiss didn’t last long before Kyle broke it off and buried his head in Cartman’s shoulder, still struggling to control his emotions. He wanted to get out of this gym, but right now they couldn’t escape the whole schools rapt attention. PC Principal was already barking orders for a standing ovation for South Park elementary’s new _‘out and proud’_ couple.

“Oh God. What have you gotten me into?” Kyle whispered into Cartman’s ear.

“Relax, bro,” he whispered back. “This is going to be sweet.”


	4. Chapter 4

After the assembly, President Garrison had given the order that school was cancelled for the rest of the day. Before PC Principal could argue this decree the children had all let out a cheer and rushed out into the playground.

Now they were just playing in the snow, boys and girls together, talking and laughing like they hadn't done in a long time. Cartman was already making fun of President Garrison’s visit, mercilessly ripping on their former teacher turned world leader. And during his unflattering impersonation Cartman would regularly pause to remind the other kids that he could now say whatever he wanted to whoever he wanted as he was under the protection of Skank’s law and the President Elect who he was currently trash-talking.

Kyle sat on a nearby swing, shaking his head. The other kids didn't actually seem to care about Cartman being the school troll. It was like Stan had said. Everyone expected this shit from Cartman. And since they expected it, Cartman could sort of get away with it. None of them would admit it, but they'd all missed the old Eric Cartman and they'd wanted him back. After months of PC oppression at their school, his offensive humor was refreshing. It broke the tension that’d hung over them for too long.

“Hey dude,” said Stan, sitting down in the swing beside Kyle. “So Wendy's said it’s okay for us to be friends again. And she also said I’d better talk some sense into you.” He leaned in closer. “Are you going to tell me what's really going on between you and Cartman?"

Stan was the first kid to come over and question Kyle about his apparent boyfriend. Most of the other students were leaving the well issue alone. South Park elementary was strictly a safe space for LGBT kids these days, so the others weren’t making fun of them. But they didn’t need to be homophobic to be weirded out by Kyle and Cartman as a couple.

“Come on, man. You can tell me anything,” Stan urged.

Kyle was struggling with how to answer. He couldn’t let anyone else in on the secret of Skankhunt’s true identity but he was too exhausted from all the lies to pretend anymore, especially in front of Stan.

“Just trust that I’m doing what I have to, Stan,” Kyle told him.

Stan nodded. "Okay, that’s cool. Just so you know…I’m here if you want to talk. I'm just happy we _can_ talk again, Kyle. I missed you. And I should've known you were just saying you were the troll for secret noble reasons. I forgot about that martyr complex you have."

Kyle smiled at his best friend. "I missed you too, Stan."

They reached across the swings and bumped fists. Kenny was standing nearby and noticing the gesture, he came over, patted Kyle’s shoulder and mumbled something unintelligible but affectionate sounding into his furry hood. Kyle’s smile widened.

The moment was broken by a voice calling to him across the playground.

"Kyle! Your mother wants you home this instant."

He looked up to see his dad standing at the edge of the yard. His dad gave him a little apologetic shrug. Kyle swallowed. It looked like one person wasn't done being mad at him, presidential pardon or no. He nodded to Stan and Kenny then rose from the swing to follow his dad. Someone caught his hand before he could leave.

“Call me later, babe,” said Cartman. “I’ll be waiting, okay?”

“Um, okay,” Kyle answered awkwardly.

The girls _Awww'd_ at them. Heidi made the heart symbol with her fingers again. Kyle looked back to the swings to see Stan miming barfing as Kenny sniggered. Kyle gently tugged his hand out of Cartman’s gasp, then lowered his head and followed his dad towards the car parked at the roadside.

"Kyle, just so you know,” his dad started babbling. “I told your mom that I thought you should be allowed to stay outside to play with your friends. I told her it’d be good for you to fool around and have a few laughs after all these stressful weeks, but your mother insisted that..."

"I'm still not talking to you," Kyle snapped.

"You...you aren't?” His dad paused then said, “Kyle, you might not realize this but...it was actually _me_ who contacted the president and asked him to..."

"I realized, dad. And it doesn't make everything cool between us."

His dad blinked at him in confusion. “It doesn’t?”

Before anymore could be said, they were interrupted by a sudden squeal.

"KYLE!" Ike exclaimed, opening the car door and bounding off the backseat. Ike ran up and hugged Kyle around his knees. "I love you gay big brother!"

Kyle smiled at the little guy, lifted him off his feet and hugged him back. "Thanks Ike."

Over Ike’s shoulder, Kyle could see his mom sitting still as a statue in the front seat. Kyle couldn't really judge her mood, but since she had obviously given his little brother permission to talk to him again, that had to be a good sign. Still the Broflovski family sat in a very eerie silence on their ride home. And once they were inside the house, Kyle’s dad took Ike by the hand and led him upstairs. His mom sat on the couch and she patted the seat cushion for Kyle to sit beside her.

So he braced himself and sat down.

“Firstly Kyle,” his mom began. “First I have to say if you want to be gay, then you be gay, sweetie. It’s not escaped my notice that you’ve shown little to no interest in girls so I can’t say this comes as a total shock to me. Honestly, I’d been half expecting it. And I hope you know that your father and I will love and support you no matter what your sexual preference, Boobie.”

“Right,” he said, secretly thinking of that time his dad called him a _‘pussy_ ’. “I know that, mom.”

She patted Kyle’s leg. “Secondly, I want to say that - while I don’t approve of you telling lies - I should’ve known that you were covering up for someone when you took the blame for all that horrible cyber-bullying. Oh Kyle, I should’ve known that it couldn’t possibly be you!”

His mom threw her arms around him, squeezing tight.

“That’s okay,” Kyle winced in her hold. “Err mom, I can’t breathe…”

“Oh sorry, Boobie,” she said, releasing him from her bruising hug. His mom dabbed her eyes and then suddenly her face became stern again. She rose to her feet, hands on her hips. “Last but not least, Kyle, we really need to talk about this new relationship of yours. While I can accept your burgeoning homosexuality, I do not approve of your choice of boyfriend at all. In all the years we’ve known him, Eric Cartman has shown himself to be a very bad mannered and disturbed child. Don’t think that I’ve forgotten about that naughty little song he used to sing about me or that absurd incident at Casa Bonita on your birthday. And now it turns out he was behind all this monstrous trolling! And to make matters worse, he was forcing you to pretend that...”

“He didn’t force me. I...I wanted to protect him.”

His mom shook her head. “Oh Kyle, why would you want to be with a boy like that? A boy who photoshops pictures of penises into women’s mouths and thinks it’s funny! Honestly...”

Kyle lowered his head, unable to look his mom in the eyes, knowing she was sharing her bed with the real person who was responsible for those pictures.

“He…he swears that he’s changed. So I have to give him a second chance, Ma,” said Kyle. “And not just for his sake. I mean, if Cartman and me had a serious break up, then…then what about Stan and Kenny, huh? Us breaking up would mean that the four of us couldn’t hang out anymore. And we’ve been friends together for years. Ever since I can remember. We’re kind of like a family now. And families should always try to stick together, right?”

She nodded. “Yes, I suppose that’s true. And I’ve never stopped you from being friends with Eric, have I? But _boyfriends_ is another matter. I still can’t say I approve of you two as a couple. That’s going to take some convincing.” She paused, then said. “That’s why I've spoken to Eric’s mother and invited him over to dinner tonight. Here’s hoping he’s on his best behavior.”

With that, his mom went to make a start on the cooking. Kyle sat tensed on the couch. Every time he thought his trials were over, it would turn out that God had another ordeal planned for him. Kyle had his parent’s permission now to watch TV, play video games and even to use the new internet if he wanted to. But he couldn’t focus on any of those things. Instead he sat restlessly watching the door. It was just before 7pm when its bell rang and Kyle rushed over to answer it.

Cartman stood on his doorstep. He was wearing a nice sweater at least. He’d combed his hair. He was making an effort.

“Please Cartman,” Kyle hissed to him. “ _Please_ make a good impression, okay?”

Cartman just blinked at him. “Oh I intend to, Kyle.”

He stepped inside and headed straight for the kitchen. And the next thing Kyle knew Cartman was setting the dinner table. Then after his mom brought out her pot of Goulash and called for Ike and his dad to come downstairs, Kyle watched perplexed as Cartman pulled the chairs out for each of them. When they were all sitting at the table and his mom had served up the stew, Cartman even offered to say a prayer to ‘ _Jehovah_ ’ for them before his mom smiled and explained that Jews traditionally give thanks after their meals and not before. Cartman preceded to spend the rest of their meal asking Kyle's mom polite curious questions about her faith, seemingly to know it was the best way to butter her up.

After they’d eaten, Cartman dabbed his mouth with a napkin and cleared his throat.

“Mrs Broflovski...” he began, sounding earnest. “I do indeed thank Jehovah for this delicious meal. And I thank you too. Not only for your cooking but for welcoming me into your home and for giving me the chance to apologize for involving your son in my terrible trolling addiction. I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness. Or Kyle’s for that matter. Honestly, I only wish there was some way I could repay him for everything he’s done for me. I keep thinking, if only I had some big fancy job that paid a lot of money. Like maybe if I was a lawyer, like you Mr Broflovski. If I was a lawyer then I would be giving all of my paychecks to Kyle to thank him for the brave sacrifice he's made for me.”

Kyle’s jaw hung open. Ike quietly giggled beside him.

His dad meanwhile turned pale and a sweat broke out on his brow. “That, um...that’s very decent of you, Eric,” said Kyle's dad, clearly desperate to change the subject. “Well, if everyone has finished eating, let me take the plates and I’ll…”

“I’ll help you with the washing up, Mr Broflovski,” Cartman chirped.

Kyle’s dad looked terrified as Cartman followed him over to the sink.

His mom however sat beaming. She turned to Kyle, raising up her eyebrows.

“I have to admit it, Kyle...I’m impressed,” she whispered. "That boy's a real charmer."

Kyle just nodded numbly, relieved that his mom's standards were satisfied for now. And a short while later, Kyle was walking Cartman over to their front door. Once they were out of view and earshot of Kyle’s parents, Cartman reached into his pocket and he pulled out a $100 bill.

“Your dad gave this to me while we were cleaning dishes,” he said. “I didn’t even have to openly threaten him. He’d already taken the hint!”

" _Shush!_ " Kyle stared at the money in his gloved hand. “Seriously?”

He nodded. “We’ve got your dad by the balls, Kyle.”

“I don’t know if I like this...” he said, shuffling uncomfortably.

“Kyle, try not to get your ethical panties in a twist. What’s not to like? Your family are staying together like you wanted but we’re still making your dad pay for what he did. Literally _pay_. And along with your dad’s money we’ve got the President’s permission to say offensive things whenever we want to and we’re the new power couple at the school. Didn’t I tell you that my plan to make your life better was a good one?”

“I guess you're right.” When he put it like that Kyle couldn’t deny it. His fortunes had been completely turned around in a day. “You did it, Cartman. You've made things better for me. I guess I, well...thank you, Cartman.”

He shrugged. “Don’t mention it, babe.”

Cartman turned away and set off back to his own house. Kyle was halfway up the stairs before it occurred to him that Cartman had just called him ‘ _babe_ ’ when nobody was even watching them.

He tried not to think about that too hard right now. It’d been a long day.

Kyle stepped inside his bedroom to find his computer, toys and books had all been returned and the bars had been removed from his windows. He could get on the new internet now if he wanted to. But after almost two weeks of detoxing, Kyle found he was in no rush. Instead he got into his pajamas, took _The Lord of the Rings_ off his shelf and snuggled into bed to read it. After everything that’d happened lately he just needed to escape from the real world for a while.

Halfway through Bilbo’s party, Kyle was interrupted by a knock at the door.

Without waiting for an answer, his dad stepped into his room and came to sit on his bed.

“Hey there, buddy,” his dad began, “I just wanted to say that well, I like this boyfriend of yours. He seems really smart and really funny. And I don’t have a problem with you being gay at all, son. Just in case you were wondering. I've been a Tweek and Craig fan for a while already.”

Kyle put his book down, folded his arms and let the silence hang between them again.

Eventually his dad sighed, reached into his pocket and took out his wallet.

“Here, take this,” he said, placing $100 on the bedside table. “It’s been a tough old week, huh pal? Why not treat yourself to a new video game.”

Kyle still didn’t answer him. He didn’t even look at him.

“You're _still_ not talking to me?” His dad's voice was a frustrated hiss now. “ _Damn it_ , Kyle. What do I have to do? How many different ways do I have to say I’m sorry to you?”

“You never said it _once_!!” Kyle hissed back.

His dad blinked at him. “W-what?”

Kyle steeled himself, struggling not to cry.

“You never said sorry, dad...”

Kyle swallowed, swiping a hand across his eyes. He waited for his dad to say something, _anything._ He waited for his dad to find the words that would make this better. Kyle used to think that his dad was the greatest and most smartest person ever. But as he watched his dad rise from his bed and slip away from his room saying nothing, he was filled with only shame for his father and the horrible sinking feeling that his dad must be ashamed of him too. Because Kyle couldn’t just lighten up and make fun of shit. Because Kyle overreacted to everything like his mom. But for the first time in his life, Kyle felt proud that he took after his mom. It had to be better than being like him.

He buried his face in his pillow and struggled with a sudden urge to burn his dad’s cash.

A few minutes later, he heard footsteps in the hall. Then something was pushed under his door. Kyle crept across the floor and turned his light on. It was a computer printout. He picked up the paper and found himself staring at a picture of his dad. A picture of his dad with a penis photoshopped onto his forehead and the words _‘Sorry for being a dick, kiddo’_ typed underneath.

Kyle couldn’t help it. He snorted a little laugh.

He had to admit that was pretty funny.


	5. Chapter 5

Kyle woke up the next morning to his phone ringing on his bedside table.

“What the… _um_ , hello?” he answered, still half-asleep.

“Hey Kyle,” said Cartman. “What’s going on?”

He rubbed his eyes, blinking at his alarm clock. It was barely 7am.

“I...I was sleeping. It’s Saturday. Why are you calling me so early?”

“Oh, nothing. No reason. It’s just…I was awake and feeling restless and I thought I should probably call. Just to see how you were doing. That’s all.”

For a moment, Kyle didn’t know how to answer him. There were never usually awkward silences between him and Cartman. They always filled the air between them by saying things like _'Shut up fatass!'_ or _'Shut your damn Jew mouth!'_ or some variant on that familiar theme. It’d always been easier for them to communicate through insults and arguments.

“I’m doing fine,” Kyle said after a yawn. “Can I go back to bed now?”

“Yeah sure, that’s cool, whatever,” said Cartman. “Only…I was just calling because my mom said since you invited me to dinner that you could come to my house tonight for a sleepover. My mom’s going to be having a sleepover too, upstairs in her bedroom with some new boyfriend. So we’ll have the living room and the TV all to ourselves.”

“To do what?” Kyle asked apprehensively.

“You know, like…Netflix and chill. Or whatever.”

“Netflix and chill? What does that mean?”

“I don’t know. It’s just something couples do together.”

Kyle frowned. “You remember we’re only _pretending_ to be a couple, right?”

“Yeah dumbass, I know that!” Cartman snapped back. “That’s why I was saying that you should come over. So that we can, like…pretend some more. Or _don’t_ come over. That's cool. It’s not like I care either way. Just, whatever.” He paused and then added. “So are you coming?”

Kyle winced. There was a neediness in Cartman’s voice that he felt indebted to. Cartman had saved his ass yesterday. He owed him one.

“Um yeah, I guess…”

“Sweet! Come by around seven, okay? I’ll get snacks.”

And with that, Cartman hung up. Kyle lay back on his pillow, pulled the duvet over his head and moaned, wondering what the hell he’d just agreed to. He couldn’t get back to sleep now so he got dressed, brushed his teeth and headed downstairs. He was just stepping out the front door when a voice called to him from the kitchen.

“Oh morning, Kyle!” his dad said brightly. “I woke up early and decided to make pancakes. I’ve made enough for everyone, but your mom and brother aren’t up yet. Do you want pancakes for your breakfast, buddy?”

He turned to see his dad wearing in an apron and wringing a spatula in his hands, seeming desperate for Kyle to accept his latest lame peace offering.

“No thanks, dad. I’m just not hungry this morning.”

Kyle really didn’t have an appetite. He wasn’t snubbing these guilt-pancakes on purpose. But his dad looked a little crushed by his refusal.

“Oh, that’s fine. If you’re not hungry, I respect that.”

“Tell mom I went out for a walk, okay?”

“Yeah sure. I’ll tell her. You...you have a good day, son.”

Kyle sighed. “You have a good day too, dad.”

It wasn’t much, but it was a conversation. It was the two of them finally talking again, being civil. Little tears sprang into his dad’s eyes. Kyle quickly looked away and stepped out the door.

He really needed to go for walk to clear his head, forget all the lies and bullshit with his family for a while. Apart from his complete loss of respect for the father who he’d once idolized, things were slowly getting back to normal in the Broflovski household. And Kyle was grateful to Cartman for helping with that. But seriously...how much longer did they have to keep up this gay couple act? When were they going to get back to normal? When would Cartman and him go back to being _just friends_ or _not really friends_ like they’d been before?

Kyle got the feeling that Cartman wasn’t ready to stage a break up. And Kyle didn’t want to do anything to piss Cartman off right now. He’d had enough drama in his life lately. But still, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do in this fake relationship. Kyle had never even had a _real_ relationship before. In his few feeble attempts at having a girlfriend, Kyle had never got beyond a first date and he hadn't the slightest idea what boyfriends did together. There were only two kids who knew about being boyfriends in South Park.

So after an hour or more of aimless wandering, Kyle found himself standing outside Craig’s house. He sighed and knocked on the door, which was opened up by Craig’s dad who eagerly ushered Kyle inside. Craig’s dad led Kyle through the house and out to the backyard where Craig was kneeling on the grass working on his bike.

“Craig…that new gay boy from the school is here to see you,” said his dad. He went over to his son and stooped low to whisper in his ear, “I think he needs some advice.”

“Oh,” said Craig, boredly looking up from his bike. “That’s just great.”

Craig’s dad patted his son on the shoulder then returned to the house. Craig stuck up his middle finger, flipping his dad off as he left. Then he turned to Kyle.

“What the fuck do you want?” he asked.

Kyle swallowed, already regretting his decision to pay this visit.

“Never mind, I’m sorry…” he said, backing away. “There were just some things I wanted to ask you about, but…you’re busy. And you’ve probably got Tweek coming over.”

Craig raised his head, narrowing his eyes at Kyle.

“We don’t spend our every spare moment together. We’re not gay married, you know.”

“Right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to assume…it’s just that I see you two together all the time at school these days. You hardly ever seem to be apart anymore.”

Craig rolled his eyes. “Well, that’s because the Asian girls get all freaked out and start to draw those weepy break up pictures if they don’t see the two of us holding hands at least once every day. That’s a lot of pressure on us, you know.”

“Of course,” said Kyle. “Hey, maybe it’ll be easier for you now? You know, since me and Cartman have come out too. Maybe they’ll draw us instead.”

Craig looked at Kyle like he was stupid. “Dude, those Asian chicks aren’t interested in drawing Cartman. He’s fat. He doesn’t fit with the Yaoi aesthetic.” He paused then added. “They draw you sometimes. But they usually pair you with your friends Stan or Kenny instead. Or sometimes you show up in threesomes with me and Tweek.”

“I do?” Kyle blushed. “Oh. Sorry about that.”

Craig shrugged. “Whatever. It’s not like you have a choice.” He turned back to fixing the gears on his bike. “Besides, Tweek thinks you’re kind of cute.”

“What?” Kyle spluttered. “So…Tweek really is gay then?”

“Why don’t you ask him?” Craig said over his shoulder. “You’re better friends with Tweek anyway. I don’t know why you’re here bugging me about this shit.”

Kyle nodded, still backing out of the yard. It’s true that he was closer to Tweek and Craig had always kind of hated Kyle and his friends. He supposed the only reason he’d come to Craig instead was because he wasn’t really looking for friendly advice. He wanted Craig’s blunt answers rather than Tweek’s nervy uncertainty. And more than that, Kyle had the feeling that Craig might be in the same situation as him. Maybe Craig wasn’t actually gay but he'd become trapped in a fake relationship with an unstable kid who might be gay.

But if Craig didn’t want to talk, Kyle guessed he’d have to go to his boyfriend instead.

“Okay. Sorry Craig. I’ll head over to Tweek’s house then...”

“No wait,” Kyle turned to see Craig had put down his spanner and turned to face him. “Don’t go over there right now, okay? Tweek sleeps in on Saturday mornings.”

Kyle frowned. A note of tenderness had crept into Craig’s voice.

“I made Tweek promise me he wouldn’t set his alarm clock on weekends,” Craig went on. “If he doesn’t set his alarm, he usually stays in bed until noon and catches up on all the sleep he misses during the week. And if he gets the extra sleep, then he doesn’t need coffee when he wakes up. So when he comes over to my place in the afternoon, he’s not so stressed and spazzy. He’s like this whole other person. A Tweek that you don’t ever see at school.”

Craig stuffed his hands in his pockets, his cheeks a little redder now.

“Wow,” said Kyle. “You really do care about him, huh?”

Craig snorted at the suggestion. “Whatever. I’m just saying that Tweek is a cooler guy than the rest of you give him credit for. He’s a lot cooler than those douchebags you hang around with. So I don’t really mind being paired up with him all time. Tweek’s alright.”

“Yes, but,” Kyle hesitated. He had to ask. “Are you two actually gay?”

Craig rolled his eyes at him again. “Dude...we’re _ten_. Why do we have to put labels on ourselves and decide these things when we’re still only kids? I’ve just found a guy that I like hanging out with, okay? I guess that, for whatever reason, you’ve found the same thing with Cartman.”

Kyle flinched at the comparison. “Well, the thing is...me and Cartman really _aren't_ gay. We're arch rivals. Everyone knows that!”

“Yeah. Right,” said Craig, his voice deadpan. “You guys hate each other. And yet you guys are always hanging out with each other. And always talking obsessively about each other. And making contracts that involve sucking each other’s balls. And having all these insane bets and contests that turn you both into crazy people. Yes Kyle, I’m sure there’s nothing gay about any of that.”

Kyle felt his face flushing. “But I…”

“Look dude, all I’m saying is…yesterday’s assembly? Surprised exactly no one.” Craig turned his back again. “Can you get out of my yard now? I’m sick of talking to you.”

Kyle was speechless. He hung his head and went back to walking the streets.

So pretending to be Cartman’s boyfriend wasn’t even something that he needed to practice then. Apparently it was something that the other kids readily believed. But the real thing that was worrying Kyle about going over to Cartman’s house that night was there would be nobody there to pretend for. It would just be him and Cartman alone, having a sleepover. And why the hell had he agreed to that? Suddenly he was remembering those photographs Cartman had taken with Butters when he’d been sleeping at his house. That picture of him putting Butters penis in his mouth for Godsake! How had Kyle forgotten that? _How, how, how_ had he forgotten that Eric Cartman was a depraved sociopath?

With this horrifying thought in mind, Kyle spent the rest of the day thinking up excuses for pulling out of the sleepover. He spent a long frantic afternoon on his computer researching illnesses that he could claim to have with symptoms that he could easily fake. He practiced his best sick sounding voice and then picked up the phone to call Cartman. But every time he went to dial, Kyle found he couldn’t go through with the lie. He'd had enough with lying already. _Fuck it_. Cartman had saved his life yesterday. He’d pretended to be the school troll for the sake of Kyle and his family. And all he’d asked for in return was that Kyle come over to his house to watch Netflix.

How bad could it be? Not so bad that Kyle had to pussy out of it.

Besides, Cartman was a changed man, wasn't he? Kyle had to believe that he'd changed.

So at 7pm Kyle stood on Cartman’s doorstep with his sleeping bag and overnight things. He’d swallowed down a bunch of caffeine pills before coming over. Because while he was prepared to go through with this sleepover he had no intention of actually sleeping. Cartman would not be filling any photo albums with compromising pictures of Kyle while he was unconscious. If Cartman tried anything gay or gross in the night then Kyle would kick his ass. It wasn’t like Kyle had ever lost a fight they’d been in together.

So Kyle took a breath, he braced himself and knocked.

Cartman threw the door open and waved a new iPhone in Kyle’s face.

“Hey, check this out!” he bragged. “I bought it today with that money your dad gave me.”

Kyle frowned at him. “You...you got a new iPhone? For $100?”

“Well no, I had to stop by your house this morning and ask your dad for a little extra. Turned out he was only too happy to oblige. And he made me pancakes.”

Kyle shook his head. Suddenly it seemed like he’d been worried over nothing. It looked like Cartman was only into this fake relationship for the power and extortion.

“Listen Cartman, I don’t want you taking money off my dad anymore, okay?” said Kyle as he followed him through into the living room. “Things are actually starting to get better between us and I don’t want to screw that up. And anyway, what do you want a new iPhone for? I thought you’d sworn off technology and social media and stuff.”

“Yes, I _had_ given it up, Kyle. But that was before I ended up with a reputation as a hateful troll thanks to you and your fucked up family. Now I have to get on the new internet and make fresh start to prove I’m a changed man. Besides, it was your stupid dad's fault all my stuff got smashed up. After I explained this to him he ordered me a new laptop and iPad too. But yes, after those Amazon deliveries arrive I will stop blackmailing the asshole if that's what you want.” Cartman sat on the couch and held out his hand. “Pass me your phone so I can give you my new number.”

Kyle sat beside him on the couch, unlocked his phone and handed it over.

“You know, my dad gave me some money too,” said Kyle.

“I told you!” Cartman enthused. “So what did you spend it on?”

“Nothing yet. I was thinking I’d donate it to a Danish charity for breast cancer.”

Cartman snorted, rolling his eyes. “That’s so lame. You would do that.”

Kyle smiled, not minding Cartman’s contempt. He actually didn’t want things to change too much between them, not yet. He didn't want things to get weird. Cartman gave Kyle his phone back and handed him the remote, telling Kyle to pick a movie for them to watch while he went to get snacks from the kitchen. Kyle switched onto Cartman’s Netflix account and found that its list was filled with nothing but romance movies and chick flicks. His jaw dropped as he scrolled through. It was the gayest Netflix list he’d ever seen.

“Dude,” said Kyle as Cartman returned to the living room carrying bowls of popcorn and cheesy poofs. “This is your mom’s movie list, right?”

Cartman blinked at the screen, then said. “Yeah _totally_. I don’t know why my mom was using my account. I mean, seriously.”

“Because I was thinking we could watch some sick gory horror films tonight.”

“Yeah, kickass! That…that’s what I’m in the mood for too.”

Kyle tried to ignore the hint of disappointment in Cartman’s voice. He selected the film _'Die Screaming on Murderfield Lane'_ to play and then he switched off all the lights in the living room, getting the atmosphere just right for a very non-romantic evening of blood, guts and terror.

It was about twenty minutes into the horror film that Kyle realized he’d made a big mistake. He didn’t know if it was the caffeine pills he had taken or some sort of post-traumatic stress catching up with him, but the scary movie was seriously freaking him out. Every jump scene made him jump. Every scream made him scream. The gory murders had him grabbing for a cushion to hide behind. Kyle was a nervous wreck. He was turning into Tweek. When some blonde chick took a particularly violent axe to her head, Kyle let out a yelp and looked away, burying his face in Cartman’s shoulder. Then he felt an arm coil instinctively around his shoulders. He felt a hand catch hold of his trembling fingers.

“It’s okay, Kyle...I got you.”

It was crazy _crazy_ how Eric Cartman of all people made him feel safe. Kyle shakily raised his head to stare into Cartman’s wide spooked eyes. Their faces were very close together again. Close enough to feel each other’s breath on their cheeks. Close enough to kiss if they wanted.

Too close. Too soon. They were only ten.

“I’m scared,” Kyle admitted in a whisper.

“Yeah,” Cartman nodded. “Yeah, me too.”

They separated and shifted away from each other on the sofa. They both sat clutching their knees and not knowing where to look as the screams continued to spew from the TV set. Kyle thought about turning the movie off, but he thought the silence and the dark room might be scarier. He looked across at Cartman who was now whimpering a little under his breath. Seeing another kid frightened always brought out Kyle’s protective brotherly instincts. He steeled himself and tried to think. Then suddenly he knew what to do to make things better.

“Pause this for a second,” he said. “I’m going to make a phone call.”

Cartman stopped the movie and turned a lamp on for a moment while Kyle grabbed his phone and dialed Stan’s number. His best friend picked up on the second ring.

“Hey Stan,” said Kyle, struggling to calm his breathing. “What are you doing?”

“I’m at home with my family,” Stan answered. “It sucks ass.”

“Well, ask your parents if you can sleep over at Cartman’s house. We’re going to have an all-night Terrance & Phillip marathon. Call Kenny and see if he can come too.”

“Sweet!” Stan seemed to hesitate and then asked. “But…you and Cartman aren’t going to be acting all gay in front of us, are you? Because dude, I’m not homophobic, but...”

“I know, Stan,” said Kyle. “It’s weird. And no we won’t.”

“Cool. Okay then, I’ll get Kenny and come over.”

Stan hung up and Kyle pocketed his phone. He turned back to the sofa where Cartman sat flushing and shaken, his eyes still on his knees. Kyle sat down beside him, offering a little apologetic shrug.

“I hope you don’t mind me inviting the guys over.”

“No, no, that’s cool,” Cartman murmured.

“Just so you know…" Kyle continued, warily. "I don’t think that Stan and Kenny will be comfortable with us hugging and holding hands and stuff. So we'll have to pretend that we’re not a couple while they’re here.”

Cartman frowned. “But I thought we're just pretending to be a couple, Kyle?”

“Right. Whatever. You know what I mean!” Kyle snapped. “We just...can’t let things get weird, okay?”

A knowing smile crept onto Cartman's lips. "Okay babe."

The two of them didn't talk anymore. They decided to just sit and play video games until Stan and Kenny arrived with their sleeping bags. Then the four of them got into their pyjamas and sat stuffing their faces with cheesy poofs and laughing over endless fart jokes on the TV. Laughing with his friends, Kyle felt all his stress and worries melting away. The four of them didn’t have to change, not yet...

They could grow up later...when they were bigger and it was less scary.

Mrs Cartman never came downstairs from her own sleepover to give them a bedtime, but they all began to drift off around midnight, snuggling down in their sleeping bags on the carpet. All of them except for Kyle who was still buzzing from the caffeine pills that he’d taken. He lay on his stomach, his chin resting on his laced fingers, watching his friends. Stan was fidgeting, Kenny snored into his hood and Cartman muttered something that sounded strangely like _‘Nehooo Cupid Me!’_ in his sleep.

Kyle just smiled, happy they were all here. Happy that he’d done it.

He’d put his family back together again. Both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to everyone who has read, given kudos or written lovely comments for this fic. This might disappoint some of you, but I'm calling this chapter the ending. It is possible that I'll return to this story if I get further inspiration (well, Season 21 is still almost two months away) but for now this seems like a good place to leave the kids.


End file.
